Adventures of Brave Billy
Here is a true story that happened to Brave Billy.
I woke up in the middle of the night to some thumping in the kithchen.
I rolled over to make sure my wife, Billi, was still in bed,
"Maybe she's cooking Spaghettios", I thought, but no, she was still next to me.
I slithered out of bed and caught a toe hang-nail on our silk sheets from Victoria's Secret
- "Ouch!" I said, trying to mask the pain. I slowly, slowly creeped into the kitchen.
The thumping grew louder - louder it became until the beating of my own frightful heart gave away my position.
The intruder whirled in my direction and hurled a can of Del Monte peaches in light syrup towards my being.
It caught the edge of the door frame, ricocheted off and crashed into an antique vase.
The vase shattered on the floor into a gajillion shards.
"Whew! That was too close for my comfort", I thought the can was going to be dented up, but it escaped unscathed.
I never buy dented cans because the tin might flake off inside and contaminate the peaches.
Suddenly, I felt a cold metallic pain on my neck.
The perpetrator had caught me unawares and placed a wire wisk over my juggular.
I was faced with a decision, do I fake like I'm an insurance salesman and try to make him run away,
or do I just be myself, and hopefully soothe his tensions with my serene charm.
Either one was risky, so I decided I better do what I know best - I started singing the theme song from M*A*S*H.
Suddenly I realized, that the real name of that song is "Suicide is Painless".
This was not a good choice. So in mid-tune, I said, "Look man, if you know what's best for you, you'll turn around and run.
Run right out of this house, and never come back, 'cuz you've never messed with a lumberjack before!
Have ya?! Have ya PUNK!" Then I saw it. A tuna fish sandwich half made on the cutting board. That did it.
I tried to be calm, but now I realized that this menace to society had pushed me over the edge.
This is my house and my tuna fish! I reached around the thug, and grabbed him by the ear lobe and flung him over my shoulder.
He hit the ground with a ka-thud. He staggered to his feet and I made him say "King", and then I said "Kong"
and swung my fist around like a ferris wheel and clocked him one, right on top of the cranium.
He panicked, and fled out of my house.
"Good riddance", I shouted, and I pivoted on my right foot to go back to bed.
My sweetheart, Billi, had seen what had happened and flung her arms around my neck. "Oh honey, you were so brave!
Let's have some peaches in light syrup", she said with a glimmer in her eye.
I strolled victoriously over to the peach can, when suddenly blood was squirting everywhere.
"Rats. I forgot about the bagillion pieces of pottery on the floor. Billi called 911 and I was rushed to the hospital
and they put a Disney Mickey Mouse band-aid on my heel to speed up my recovery.
They released me a short while later, but we didn't have our car, so we walked home.
It took us several hours, as I rode upon Billi's stalwart shoulders.
I must say, however, that nary a man has had such a triumphant experience.
Viva Del Monte!